Moving On

I'm heading back to Thailand in the morning and I will be continuing my blog. The topic will change (THANK GOD) and I'll be exploring more interesting territories. Namely, Thailand, Laos, Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia.

I don't want to say goodbye

I just said goodbye to my man in the cave. I can't think. I can't write. I haven't been writing because I haven't wanted to add validity to what I was feeling. I didn't want it to be real. If it was real, then my pain was real and then I would have to acknowledge it. I don't like getting hurt. I'm not much of a masochist. I joke that I only have month long relationships or that I used to only date men with "expiration dates." That meant that one of us was leaving in a set amount of time. It kept things light. It kept things easy. Nobody got hurt or at least, I didn't.

Now, my eyes are swollen from crying. I dated a guy with an expiration date and we both ended up hurt. He leaves tomorrow morning to go back to France and I leave on Saturday to go back to Thailand. For his last night in town, he took me out to a small reservation only restaurant. We walked along the riverfront and then he drove me home. We sat in his car for an hour. We didn't know what to say to each other. Goodbye sounded too harsh. "See you next year" was too casual. "I love you" was too much. Instead he said, "I never expected you." I never expected him either. I can't put words down or else I will start to cry again.

We only knew each other for six weeks. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. He made me feel beautiful and he made me feel strong. He said he could see my fairy wings. He told me I was beautiful in the morning when I had morning breath and messy hair. He would sneak up behind me and kiss the nape of my neck in the kitchen, at my house, around his friends, in alleyways downtown: everywhere. Last night we were sitting on the couch and he held my hands up to the light and asked me how even my hands could be adorable. We talked about our scars and how we ended up with each one. I told him about the tiny scar right underneath my chin. He held my chin, tilted it, and then kissed the scar. I didn't want to fall for him, but how could I keep myself from jumping? I thought I was only flying. Oh god, this sound like a teeny boppers angsty diary entry. This isn't me.

But this what he said to me:

"I don't want you to forget me."

"Life is all about pleasure and I want to share it with you."

"Your the best person I've met in a long time."

"Why are you so beautiful even in the morning?"

"You're really something special."

" What do you mean 'You thought you were a fairy when you were little' You're still a fairy. I can see your wings right now."

"You're magical."

"You're queen of the fairies."

"Even your hands are adorable."

"Come on a roadtrip with me."

" You made me better."

"I'm so glad I met you."

"I'll miss you more than you know."

" We didn't even have time to learn any of each other's faults."

"I love that you're so strong and you know what you want."

"I feel like I only met you a few days ago but I wish I met you at the beginning of the year."

Blech. I hate that I'm so sentimental. It took an hour for us to say goodbye. The kisses tasted of the salt of our tears. We hugged each other and sobbed. I forced myself to leave the car and he walked me to the doorway. We stood on the steps outside of my house, each of us afraid to break away. We were both a mess. He walked away and I stood on the steps. I walked in my house when he opened the car door. I stood and watched as he sat in the car for a while. I cried from behind the window and I know he was crying in his car. I say that I will visit him but I know that in a year, we'll both be different. We didn't even get a picture of the two of us together. That's how intangible our relationship was. Did we even date? It was so short. I need to wake up. A handsome french man that always know exactly what to say and do is a dream. A handsome french man that accepts that behind the 5 ft 10, blond and busty appearance of me is a quirky, nerdy girl that just wants to have adventures is a dream. He is a dream. I'm clenching my jaw right now to keep from crying again.

My friend Breanna is supposed to be here. I called her, told her she needed to come and bring a gallon of ice-cream. I don't know why she is so late.

Small Town Girl

I had a love/hate relationship with my town. I loved it. I loved the coffeeshops and the summers but I never wanted to stay here forever. I hated some of the memories I had around the town. New places were for new memories and I wanted as many new memories as possible. I left town fairly young. I went on exchange in high school and even though I did not want to come home, I did. Now though, I love my life here.

I love that I work in a homey breakfast place/ coffeeshop literally four blocks from my house. I love that I'm also four blocks from the synagogue. I like that I can run into my dad on campus. I don't see him often because our schedules are so different but I've started placing notes on the windshield of his car like parking tickets.

I run into professors that have known me since I was a year old when I am on my way to classes. My forestry professors say hi to me on the street and just earlier today, the Rabbi said " Hey Suzanne! How's it going?" as he biked past me.

Small towns are wonderful. Sometimes it's a bit like Stepford but overall I'm healthy, happy and glad that I know everyone around me. My hometown feels more like home now that I live on my own.

No means no and guys are douches.

No should mean no. It causes problems when culturally, no does not mean no. It is hard to know and understand every culture's view of sex and all the cultural mores, stigmas and practices that go along with it. When dating internationally, this is important.

Most men have been taught to be gentlemen. No, said in any way, means no to them but there are always a few that push the boundaries. My first kiss was also the first time I was molested. Alcohol was involved. It was a party on the beach. It wasn't a huge group but out of the twelve of us, there were two girls. I was naive. My friend didn't watch out for me. It was a bad situation. I was sixteen. How was I to know? I had never had a guy force himself on me. I grew up with boys that were scared of me or idolized me. My hometown was small enough that if anything ever happened, their mothers would hear about it. Here I was, on the beach in Thailand with ten guys and twelve bottles of johnny walker. It wasn't supposed to be that way.

After drinking, dancing, messing with the phosphorescent bacteria in the sand, we all crashed. We pushed three beds together. I lay down next to the youngest guy. He was passed out. Suddenly, Sid jumped in between. Now, I'm a cuddly person. I like human touch as much as anybody else. My friends in my hometown would have 'cuddle puddles.' Twenty of us would sprawl all over each other. Boys, Girls, Gay, Straight, innocent or very experienced. It didn't matter. I asked Sid to spoon with me. Bad idea.

We were talking with his arms around me. I turned my head to say something and his tongue came down my throat. I remember thinking "Is this happening? What is this? Why did he do this?" Then I wasn't sure what to do. Should I have called out? Should I have woken everybody up? In my haze, I thought that if I hugged him, he wouldn't be able to kiss me. That didn't work. Then I thought that I would just turn my back to him. I turned on my side and he kissed up and down my neck for what felt like hours. The whole time, he tried to squeeze his legs between mine. He fell asleep with his face buried in the back of my neck and I lied awake for the entire night and pretended that none of it was happening. I didn't want to "Make a Scene." I was terrified of bothering the others.

That was my first kiss. I pretended that it never happened. It didn't count. I didn't want it so therefore it never happened. It happened though and it did change me. I remember thinking, "well, it can only go up from here. I might as well kiss everyone in sight."

One of my friends had a bad experience last night. It was a beach party. Alcohol was involved. I could tell that something wasn't right. The rest of the group kept saying " She's a big girl. She can handle herself. She knows what she's doing." I knew though. She was in the same situation I had been in two years ago. The guy was a lecher and she was in trouble. Moreso than I had been in on the beach because this guy was much older than 18 and he would try to go much farther.

At one point, I made a blanket fort. My friend escaped for long enough to crawl under the blanket and put her head on my knee. Still with a smile on her face, she looked up at me and whispered "Rescue me." Ten seconds later, the creep grabbed her legs and pulled her out of the fort. "No" I said. "She's staying here."

My guy and I took her into a bedroom and set her up with blankets and a pillow and said "You can stay here." "Thank you."

It sucks. Guys can be awful. But after going through it once, you learn that when bad situations happen, "Making a scene" doesn't matter. You stand up, you slap him. You say "NO means NO!! And I am NOT doing this with you. Especially since you didn't stop when I told you the first time."

Top ten favorite relationship songs for right now, in no particular order.

It Ain't Me, Babe --------Bob Dylan

Islands--------------------The XX

Heart Skipped a Beat----The XX

The Cave------------------Mumford and Sons

I Gave You All-----------Mumford and Sons

Five Years Time---------Noah and The Whale

I Stand Corrected-------Vampire Weekend

Ship Out on the Sea-----The Be Good Tanyas

Young Folks-------------Peter, Bjorn and John

Gray or Blue-------------Jaymay

Exes....Part 2

I'm having a fling with a Frenchman. He's only in town for five more weeks. I'm only in town for five more weeks. He is handsome. Strong jawline, straight nose, high cheekbones, dimples... the works. This guy could be a model. He's also very bright, driven and all in all wonderful. He's close to perfect. We went out for coffee after grabbing lunch together and we walked into a coffeeshop. He put his arm around me and said "I'm treating you because you paid for tea last time." I told him he was too sweet and kissed his cheek. We stood in line, ordered at the counter and walked around the coffeeshop for a while before deciding to take our coffees outside. As we turned to walk through the door, I realized that sitting by the counter was my ex. The same one that ended it with me because he needed to be more focused on school, because he was still in love with his ex, because he got scared. The same one that ignored me last week at a different coffeeshop. I didn't recognize him because he cut his hair really short. It used to be a mass of curls. Anyway, I felt awful because we were right next to him. He probably thinks I was rubbing it in his face. Honestly, I wasn't! I didn't see him! By the time we left, the damage was done and I couldn't decide whether or not I should have gone back to say hi. So I didn't, and we left. It's eating me up and I just have to move on and realize that there is nothing I can do.

Exes

We all have that moment. We're on the street, we're in a coffee shop, we're here, we're there and we run into..... The Ex.

It can be great. "Oh hey! Long time no see! How is everything? You know, we could be friends now. I'm having a party at my house at this time. You should come! I'd love to catch up."

Or it can be AWKWARD. You sit in the coffeeshop, with your latte and your computer. He walks in, he walks to the counter, he gets his coffee, he turns around and walks out. You sit there, the whole time thinking "should I say hi? Nah... I'm on my computer. He can say hi... right?" Then he doesn't say hi. He walks right past you, right out the door. You sit there, stunned. "but... he didn't say hi.......... what the f*ck?" Then you wonder "Is he blind? How can he not see me sitting there? I was right in front of him. I had an excuse, I was typing, but he didn't."

That's when you text your friends and all they say back is "Ouch."