Apology

I want to apologize to all the men I've dated this past nine months. I realized today that I have dated fifteen men, kissed eleven, and kind of/sort of been a couple with four, all within the last eight months. I have ruined friendships that might have been and friendships that should have been. I have been broken hearted and broken twice my share of hearts. Of the thirteen men I have dated, I have ditched eight, considered relationships with two and had long distance flings with three. I am sorry for having dated and ditched.

As a woman, there are stereotypes that I do not fall under. Women are supposed to want commitment. Women are supposed to be considerate of others feelings. Women are supposed to wait for men to come to them.

Apparently, I am yet unable to commit. My relationships have yet to last longer than a month unless the men I am interested in live far away. It is easier when they live far away. They come into my life for a moment, a wonderful, perfect moment. Then they leave to do whatever it is they do and I continue living my life. Only this time, I have one more friend to keep tabs on. Then, we'll talk , text, e-mail about life and our interests and it makes it more interesting. I can't talk about mundane things with men across the continent. There are no "So... that hail was weird today, wasn't it?" conversations. The relationship doesn't limit my exploration of other "options" at home. It simply adds to my life. I feel enriched by them.

They're doing things over the summer like working at the New York Times, interning with the Peace Corps, working with the Department of Justice. These are driven, intellectual young men and I like having them in my life.

I also like kissing. I like kissing a LOT. Over the past year, I have kissed in the forest, at the beach, on benches, in bars, in beds, against walls, against doors, in kitchens, on floors, at night, during the day, in computer labs, on the street, in coffee shops and on rooftops. It's been great but it's been too many.

Chemistry is hard to find. Sometimes I force myself into thinking that I have it only to realize a month later that it was entirely in my head. I only date great guys. I'm serious. Every single one of them is sweet, intelligent, motivated, idealistic and kind. I feel bad that I've hurt them but really, what can I say? "You're great, really you are but I'm just don't have butterflies?"

Should I say instead "You're cute but you're too metrosexual?" or "I like you, I do but you didn't know who Pablo Neruda was and you couldn't tell me the name of any foreign presidents"? I try to make a point of being upfront and honest but I think I've been failing at that lately. I've been hoping that they'll just disappear into the background and I'll never have to see them again or that when I do, they'll be ready to be friends. But that isn't realistic. It isn't realistic to date and ditch without explanations. Instead, it is cruel. And so I am sorry.

I'm going back to Thailand this summer and I can't help but hope that I will meet a hot Israeli, fall madly in love and travel the world with him. I shouldn't feel this way, considering that I'm kind of, sort of dating someone. He's great. He is. And it is nice. really nice but..... there's a but. I can't put my figure on to what the but leads yet it still exists. I'm also leaving in seven weeks and I don't feel pangs at all when I think about leaving him behind. That's a problem. I should feel pangs. Right?

Apparently, I'm terrible at apologies. Basically, I should be more considerate and I want to apologize to each man individually. Not today, or this week but someday. Someday I'll apologize to the Indonesian, the Czech, the model, the weed dealer, the home schooled boy, the ROTC guy, the computer science major, the debate team champion, the law student, the bartender's roommate, the pre-med kid,the alaskan, the would-be fashion designer, the PhD student and the Master's student. To all of you, I am sorry that you fell for a maneating bitch that dates and ditches.