Friendship

I held your hand for a split second as we ended our hug tonight. I didn't mean to. It just... happened. I saw that look on your face. You seemed so confused but somehow okay. I know we say our friendship is platonic, but is it?

You tell me I'm beautiful and call me at three in the morning. You ask about my day, my family, my life. Detailed, specific questions that make my mouth open and the words flow out. I ask you about your day, your life and your family. You answer with cryptic, deflective answers.

And the hugs. Your hugs. They start out platonic and then at that moment when most hugs release, you pull me closer and hold on. I can feel your head lay on my shoulder and then the connection is lost and you drop me down and turn away. Somehow I ended up with your hand in mine after this last hug. I don't know how, but I did.

I wonder about you. Somehow, you can take me seriously even after I climbed into a giant cardboard box behind a building at 1 in the morning and said we should pretend we lived in a Hooverville. I picked a broom out of a dumpster and walked around until I saw a sign that said "Parking for bicycles." I plopped the broom down next to it and said "I wish I had a pen. Then I could write "and brooms (for those magically inclined)" on the bottom of the sign. You smiled that smile of yours, laughed a little bit and said "You are fucking adorable."

I normally hate being called adorable. I'm 5'10. Adorable implies small, cute, fragile. I'm tall, strong and opinionated. You made me proud to be adorable. Maybe it was the "fuck" that you added.

I love that I can be silent with you. We walk all over town, stand in the middle of bridges, climb trains and lie down under the streetlights while it's raining. You embrace the quirkiness and you don't need an explanation because you feel it too. This lust for life.

I don't understand you sometimes. Once you offered to walk across town to give me your coat because I mentioned I was cold during a phone call. You've seen me walking home and given me a ride even though my house was in the opposite direction of your destination. You even drove me to another town because I forgot my wallet on a train. I offered to pay for gas and you wouldn't let me.

We've had conversations about how you give off the wrong signals to women sometimes and that's why you don't have very many friends that are women. What are you doing to me then?