Small Town Girl

I had a love/hate relationship with my town. I loved it. I loved the coffeeshops and the summers but I never wanted to stay here forever. I hated some of the memories I had around the town. New places were for new memories and I wanted as many new memories as possible. I left town fairly young. I went on exchange in high school and even though I did not want to come home, I did. Now though, I love my life here.

I love that I work in a homey breakfast place/ coffeeshop literally four blocks from my house. I love that I'm also four blocks from the synagogue. I like that I can run into my dad on campus. I don't see him often because our schedules are so different but I've started placing notes on the windshield of his car like parking tickets.

I run into professors that have known me since I was a year old when I am on my way to classes. My forestry professors say hi to me on the street and just earlier today, the Rabbi said " Hey Suzanne! How's it going?" as he biked past me.

Small towns are wonderful. Sometimes it's a bit like Stepford but overall I'm healthy, happy and glad that I know everyone around me. My hometown feels more like home now that I live on my own.

No means no and guys are douches.

No should mean no. It causes problems when culturally, no does not mean no. It is hard to know and understand every culture's view of sex and all the cultural mores, stigmas and practices that go along with it. When dating internationally, this is important.

Most men have been taught to be gentlemen. No, said in any way, means no to them but there are always a few that push the boundaries. My first kiss was also the first time I was molested. Alcohol was involved. It was a party on the beach. It wasn't a huge group but out of the twelve of us, there were two girls. I was naive. My friend didn't watch out for me. It was a bad situation. I was sixteen. How was I to know? I had never had a guy force himself on me. I grew up with boys that were scared of me or idolized me. My hometown was small enough that if anything ever happened, their mothers would hear about it. Here I was, on the beach in Thailand with ten guys and twelve bottles of johnny walker. It wasn't supposed to be that way.

After drinking, dancing, messing with the phosphorescent bacteria in the sand, we all crashed. We pushed three beds together. I lay down next to the youngest guy. He was passed out. Suddenly, Sid jumped in between. Now, I'm a cuddly person. I like human touch as much as anybody else. My friends in my hometown would have 'cuddle puddles.' Twenty of us would sprawl all over each other. Boys, Girls, Gay, Straight, innocent or very experienced. It didn't matter. I asked Sid to spoon with me. Bad idea.

We were talking with his arms around me. I turned my head to say something and his tongue came down my throat. I remember thinking "Is this happening? What is this? Why did he do this?" Then I wasn't sure what to do. Should I have called out? Should I have woken everybody up? In my haze, I thought that if I hugged him, he wouldn't be able to kiss me. That didn't work. Then I thought that I would just turn my back to him. I turned on my side and he kissed up and down my neck for what felt like hours. The whole time, he tried to squeeze his legs between mine. He fell asleep with his face buried in the back of my neck and I lied awake for the entire night and pretended that none of it was happening. I didn't want to "Make a Scene." I was terrified of bothering the others.

That was my first kiss. I pretended that it never happened. It didn't count. I didn't want it so therefore it never happened. It happened though and it did change me. I remember thinking, "well, it can only go up from here. I might as well kiss everyone in sight."

One of my friends had a bad experience last night. It was a beach party. Alcohol was involved. I could tell that something wasn't right. The rest of the group kept saying " She's a big girl. She can handle herself. She knows what she's doing." I knew though. She was in the same situation I had been in two years ago. The guy was a lecher and she was in trouble. Moreso than I had been in on the beach because this guy was much older than 18 and he would try to go much farther.

At one point, I made a blanket fort. My friend escaped for long enough to crawl under the blanket and put her head on my knee. Still with a smile on her face, she looked up at me and whispered "Rescue me." Ten seconds later, the creep grabbed her legs and pulled her out of the fort. "No" I said. "She's staying here."

My guy and I took her into a bedroom and set her up with blankets and a pillow and said "You can stay here." "Thank you."

It sucks. Guys can be awful. But after going through it once, you learn that when bad situations happen, "Making a scene" doesn't matter. You stand up, you slap him. You say "NO means NO!! And I am NOT doing this with you. Especially since you didn't stop when I told you the first time."

Top ten favorite relationship songs for right now, in no particular order.

It Ain't Me, Babe --------Bob Dylan

Islands--------------------The XX

Heart Skipped a Beat----The XX

The Cave------------------Mumford and Sons

I Gave You All-----------Mumford and Sons

Five Years Time---------Noah and The Whale

I Stand Corrected-------Vampire Weekend

Ship Out on the Sea-----The Be Good Tanyas

Young Folks-------------Peter, Bjorn and John

Gray or Blue-------------Jaymay

Exes....Part 2

I'm having a fling with a Frenchman. He's only in town for five more weeks. I'm only in town for five more weeks. He is handsome. Strong jawline, straight nose, high cheekbones, dimples... the works. This guy could be a model. He's also very bright, driven and all in all wonderful. He's close to perfect. We went out for coffee after grabbing lunch together and we walked into a coffeeshop. He put his arm around me and said "I'm treating you because you paid for tea last time." I told him he was too sweet and kissed his cheek. We stood in line, ordered at the counter and walked around the coffeeshop for a while before deciding to take our coffees outside. As we turned to walk through the door, I realized that sitting by the counter was my ex. The same one that ended it with me because he needed to be more focused on school, because he was still in love with his ex, because he got scared. The same one that ignored me last week at a different coffeeshop. I didn't recognize him because he cut his hair really short. It used to be a mass of curls. Anyway, I felt awful because we were right next to him. He probably thinks I was rubbing it in his face. Honestly, I wasn't! I didn't see him! By the time we left, the damage was done and I couldn't decide whether or not I should have gone back to say hi. So I didn't, and we left. It's eating me up and I just have to move on and realize that there is nothing I can do.

Exes

We all have that moment. We're on the street, we're in a coffee shop, we're here, we're there and we run into..... The Ex.

It can be great. "Oh hey! Long time no see! How is everything? You know, we could be friends now. I'm having a party at my house at this time. You should come! I'd love to catch up."

Or it can be AWKWARD. You sit in the coffeeshop, with your latte and your computer. He walks in, he walks to the counter, he gets his coffee, he turns around and walks out. You sit there, the whole time thinking "should I say hi? Nah... I'm on my computer. He can say hi... right?" Then he doesn't say hi. He walks right past you, right out the door. You sit there, stunned. "but... he didn't say hi.......... what the f*ck?" Then you wonder "Is he blind? How can he not see me sitting there? I was right in front of him. I had an excuse, I was typing, but he didn't."

That's when you text your friends and all they say back is "Ouch."

"This one's on me."

Times men have bought me drinks:

{In the U.S.} I went to a crepe party with a bunch of international students. It was my first time meeting any of them. We bonded over exchange and told each other stories about language mistakes; like the time I told my host mom that I really had to go pee when I thought I was saying that I wanted to spend time as a buddhist nun, or the time the armenian girl thought that focus was pronounced "Fuckus." Eventually the party was going to move to a bar. "I'm underage" I said. "So this is when I head home." "No, No, this bar doesn't card. Come with us!"

It didn't take much convincing.

I walked straight through the "No Minors Allowed" sign and sat down at their table. I was sitting with my roommate C and maybe four or five European men. As we sat, drinking some beer and chatting, a man came over, plopped a beer down in front of me said "This one's on me" and walked away so fast I didn't even see his face. We stared at the pale ale in front of me. A business card was hanging magically to the outside of the glass. The guys looked at me, at the beer and in the direction the man came from, and then back at me. The guy on my left said "I've been coming to this bar at least once a week this whole year and I've never seen that happen." The guy on my right said "I'm from France and I've never actually seen that happen anywhere" and my roommate looked at me, looked at them, laughed and said "Oh, men lose their minds around her. I wouldn't worry about it."

The guy on my left looked at me again. His brow furrowed and he said, "You're eighteen. This is the first time a guy has bought you a drink... right?"

I smiled." Well... no. It isn't."

"But, but where?"

"In Thailand" I paused "... and Israel."

{In Thailand} I went to a rock concert at a bar spur of the moment. I sat in the front row and I remember making eyes at the drummer (he was pretty cute, not so great of a musician). After the show ended, he showed up at the table with the rest of his band and bought us whiskey and soda. Turns out his brother owned the bar but it was still a nice gesture. He also bought me a rose from one of the girls on the street and his friend, the guitarist, was pissed because he was going to buy me a rose, but the drummer got there first.

{In Israel} I was in Tel Aviv with a bunch of American Jews on a Sunday night. We figured that the bars would be lame but it didn't matter because there were so many of us. We could bring a party anywhere we went. So we headed down the street from our hotel to a bar and invaded. The bar was packed with americans. I sat at one end with a couple of my israeli friends and down at the other end of a bar, a man was sitting having a cigarette. I smiled at him and ten minutes later, I turned around and he was right next to me. " What's your drink of choice?" He asked. "Arak and Grapefruit juice." I answered. It's an Israeli favorite and absolutely delicious. He was impressed that I knew it. "I'll buy you one."

His roommate was the bartender and they both had the same name. We joked and drank. I learned that he was in law school and he had served his military duty already. Everyone was dancing and singing Karaoke and so I said "Come dance with me! Come dance with me, please?"

He said "Not yet, not yet. Let me finish my drink first."

He finished his drink and I said "Now will you come dance with me?"

He flashed me a smile and said "....I will if you kiss me first."

I had had a more than a couple drinks and I thought to myself "One kiss? What's the harm. He's cute, and smart and I just want to dance."

I leaned in and kissed him. I looked at him, "Now will you dance?"

I stood up. Then he stood up. He only came up to my chest.

Apology

I want to apologize to all the men I've dated this past nine months. I realized today that I have dated fifteen men, kissed eleven, and kind of/sort of been a couple with four, all within the last eight months. I have ruined friendships that might have been and friendships that should have been. I have been broken hearted and broken twice my share of hearts. Of the thirteen men I have dated, I have ditched eight, considered relationships with two and had long distance flings with three. I am sorry for having dated and ditched.

As a woman, there are stereotypes that I do not fall under. Women are supposed to want commitment. Women are supposed to be considerate of others feelings. Women are supposed to wait for men to come to them.

Apparently, I am yet unable to commit. My relationships have yet to last longer than a month unless the men I am interested in live far away. It is easier when they live far away. They come into my life for a moment, a wonderful, perfect moment. Then they leave to do whatever it is they do and I continue living my life. Only this time, I have one more friend to keep tabs on. Then, we'll talk , text, e-mail about life and our interests and it makes it more interesting. I can't talk about mundane things with men across the continent. There are no "So... that hail was weird today, wasn't it?" conversations. The relationship doesn't limit my exploration of other "options" at home. It simply adds to my life. I feel enriched by them.

They're doing things over the summer like working at the New York Times, interning with the Peace Corps, working with the Department of Justice. These are driven, intellectual young men and I like having them in my life.

I also like kissing. I like kissing a LOT. Over the past year, I have kissed in the forest, at the beach, on benches, in bars, in beds, against walls, against doors, in kitchens, on floors, at night, during the day, in computer labs, on the street, in coffee shops and on rooftops. It's been great but it's been too many.

Chemistry is hard to find. Sometimes I force myself into thinking that I have it only to realize a month later that it was entirely in my head. I only date great guys. I'm serious. Every single one of them is sweet, intelligent, motivated, idealistic and kind. I feel bad that I've hurt them but really, what can I say? "You're great, really you are but I'm just don't have butterflies?"

Should I say instead "You're cute but you're too metrosexual?" or "I like you, I do but you didn't know who Pablo Neruda was and you couldn't tell me the name of any foreign presidents"? I try to make a point of being upfront and honest but I think I've been failing at that lately. I've been hoping that they'll just disappear into the background and I'll never have to see them again or that when I do, they'll be ready to be friends. But that isn't realistic. It isn't realistic to date and ditch without explanations. Instead, it is cruel. And so I am sorry.

I'm going back to Thailand this summer and I can't help but hope that I will meet a hot Israeli, fall madly in love and travel the world with him. I shouldn't feel this way, considering that I'm kind of, sort of dating someone. He's great. He is. And it is nice. really nice but..... there's a but. I can't put my figure on to what the but leads yet it still exists. I'm also leaving in seven weeks and I don't feel pangs at all when I think about leaving him behind. That's a problem. I should feel pangs. Right?

Apparently, I'm terrible at apologies. Basically, I should be more considerate and I want to apologize to each man individually. Not today, or this week but someday. Someday I'll apologize to the Indonesian, the Czech, the model, the weed dealer, the home schooled boy, the ROTC guy, the computer science major, the debate team champion, the law student, the bartender's roommate, the pre-med kid,the alaskan, the would-be fashion designer, the PhD student and the Master's student. To all of you, I am sorry that you fell for a maneating bitch that dates and ditches.